Background (Hint: SKIP this if you want to just straight to the {mis}Adventure; READ if you want additional chuckles!).
So…at the turn of 2011 I joined a crossfit gym with plans to get back to the athletic prowess of my earlier twenty-something years. Interestingly enough, this decision came as a result of some self-actualization – as in I am starting to realize that I apparently learn many of my life lessons the hard way. That’s just the way it is!
It’s probably because I’m hard-headed.
Literally.
I mean, that’s what the oral surgeon who was tasked to pull 6 of my teeth said when he had to do the surgery over the course of two sessions instead of the one he planned. Apparently my skull / jaw bones are SO dense that the novacaine wore off partially through the procedure and I’d surpassed the maximum allowable dose for one-sitting.
Back to that whole learning lessons the hard way and my latest lesson learned. When I got out of the Army and into the civilian world out of principle, I REFUSED to work out in the mornings. Are you kidding me?! After what was effectively NINE years of early mornings, I would have NONE of that. *pfft* Then I slowly realized that with a job in "corporate America", in addition to some of the volunteering activities that I would pick up, afternoon work-outs were not guaranteed and I’d have to get in where I fit in – at 0600 (that’s 6 a.m. for you non-military types)!
So…after about a year of slugging with hit-or-miss afternoon workouts, I got in gear and started this circuit workout training. It was an improvement because it was a way of keeping me active, but with many of my work-out peers being non-athletic, middle-aged women, I knew I wasn’t pushing myself and without too much cajoling from my friend and co-worker, D-Bicep (Jersey Shore Name), I migrated to crossfit (this is my gym: http://tridentcrossfitva.com/). Upon joining crossfit I figured: Hey these workouts are gonna push me so hard that I can continue to eat whatever the heck I want, right? Wrong! However, instead of waiting an entire year, this time, it’s only taken me a little over a month to learn the lesson and get my butt in gear.
So…I am starting the Paleo Challenge. Intent is to try it for a month, but after hearing testimonies from Ms. M, Mr. P and the other half on my dynamic work duo of K2, Mr. K…I’m planning on just sticking with it.
So by now you’re asking: Hey, where the HECK is the {mis}Adventure?! It starts here!
Today begins the first day of the rest of my life.
Today I start the Paleo-lithic way of eating. It’s essentially a diet based upon that of the early humans, the hunter-gathers. Their skeletons when compared to that of early agrarian societies are WAY healthier and have no signs of many of the diseases that we deal with today, in fairly recent history (i.e., cancer, diabetes, autoimmune deficiencies, etc.). Anyways, want to learn about that – then go here: http://robbwolf.com/ So…if you know me (and many of you do, but hopefully when my blog goes global those readers won’t know me and this lil’ tid-bit will shed light on one of my many idiosyncrasies), you KNOW that I dislike cooking and any action that requires me to THINK about eating. You’ll never hear me complain about food – I’ll eat anything, especially if I don’t have to cook it. So it doesn’t hurt that the Paleo-dude, aka Robb, says that 90% of the meals can be cooked this way:
1. Put some oil in a pan.
2. Brown some meat in that oil for a minute.
3. Add herbs/spices.
4. Add veggies.
5. Stir a time or two cover and set timer for 5-10 mins.
6. If it’s done, eat! If not, set a timer again.
What?!
That’s it?!
*yay*
AND no calorie counting or portioning madness…how, when and where do I sign-up?!
<Enter Robb’s quick-start guide>
The quick start guide for this Paleo-madness was equally as easy and went a little something like this:
1. Clean out the Pantry (too easy...oh, wait you mean like get rid of stuff, not EAT it – drats, folied again!)
2. Go Shopping (wait – you mean, like in the grocery store? Can I peapod this?)
3. Cook! (…*roll eyes* why is there an exclamation mark after that dreadful word?)
4. Go for a walk (I can do that! Except, I do believe that I will replace walking with Crossfit)
5. Sleep (all day, every day – Mr. Robb, you have the right lady!)
As you can see, I was all about steps 1, 4 and 5 – well, more like steps 4 and 5. But with my grumbling reduced to a minimum, I accepted that I do not have self-control and cleared out my pantry (Step1). Which was pretty scarce anyways…my fridge and pantry are almost as bad as a college dude’s (photographic evidence below).
Later on, I hauled myself out of the house and headed to the grocery store *grumble*. While I am not exactly one of the folks described in the author’s book I’m pretty close to this description: If the meal is not out of a box or stuck between two pieces of bread, you have no idea what to do. Yep, pretty close, Robb – good job!
So…I took his advice and attacked the grocery shopping like a military campaign. I operated on the perimeter of the store imagining that the center contained insurgent (I added that caveat) fatties trying to ambush me with all kinds of yummy, but bad-for-me treats. Essentially, the center of the store was my enemy unless I was getting coffee detergent or cat litter – wait I don’t have a cat, so, yeah…
Mission 1: Produce
Key Tasks:
· Veggies and fruits
· Buy what’s in season
· Look for organic
· Resist urge to buy little Debbie Cakes and wheat thins when I can’t find organic or high-priced organics (hey, I’ve lived off of this diet before – it’s YUMMAY!)
Endstate: Grocery shopping in the produce section was WAY tough. I usually just roam around and say, yep…that looks good. Ooh! I’ll take some of that and…that too – seemingly, well, actually shopping at random. Then it all sits in my house uncooked save for the lean cuisine microwave meals…So this time my crop gathering went a little something like this:
Where’s the zucchini…?
…and the cabbage? Where the heck are they hiding that?! *sigh*
Ooh! Here it is – no wait…that’s lettuce. Why isn’t the cabbage near the lettuce? Aren’t they *cousins, identical cousins all the way*?! Guess what, you can lose your mind bc they were NOT in fact in the same place. Okay. Cabbage, check!
Broccoli slaw? C’mon Robb – that sounds gross…I’m not buyin’it. Next!
I managed to get all of the other produce items – less the broccoli slaw and zucchini (I don’t know that I actually know what zucchini looks like whole, and not in a lean cuisine meal. And oh, by the way, wasn’t near the spaghetti squash which turned out to be on a completely different side of the produce section than the butternut squash and other squashes…go figure).
Mission 2: Meat & Seafood
Key Tasks:
· Go wild (that is look for wild caight vs. farmed fish)
· Leaner cuts of conventional meats
· Try to find grass-fed and try not to be confused by the grass-fed / organic / free range lexicon…um, yeah
· Resist urge to quit and hit the Taco Bell nextdoor
Endstate: I went “Wild” on my meat hunt, as suggested by the Paleo-dude. Got wild salmon and tried to find grass-fed beasts. Tough stuff, but I made it out of that area alive and less the ground lamb that was on the list. I’m sorry – after some bad stomach days with lamb in Iraq…I just can’t do it. *blecch*
Hmmm… I wonder what the impact is if I don’t get all the stuff on the list?
I also gathered some nuts and berries – dang…had to go back near the produce section for the berries – d’oh! Then I got all the way home and realized, when unpacking, that I forgot the eggs.
Dang.
Considering that the eggs in my fridge were marked “use by Jul 01” yes, that’s over 7 months ago (I know, and I don’t need you to tell me) I’m guessing I’ll have to hit the store again in the morning so I can eat.
FYI- my fridge is technically a freezer. I have accepted who I am with regard to kitchen/food/cooking. I keep that thing so cold that nothing spoils in there.
~~~~
It’s morning. I went to crossfit, I went back for those doggone eggs AAAAAND*drumroll*…….
I’ve poached my first egg, EVER…in life! Hey, this Paleo thing may just help me grow up. If not, it may just make me tolerant enough of cooking to finally have a fridge that’s not a freezer (and according to my mother, I’ll be able to get and keep a man…wait, let’s not get too carried away, though).
Anywho, stay posted kids! I’m sure Paleo-madness is sure to bring some “battle of the wills”-type {mis}Adventures into my life…
{CLOUD} Hunting, gathering and foraging can be frustrating (especially when it’s in a grocery store that has not employed someWP-grade systems engineers to design the layout in an intuitive manner)…
SILVER LINING:… but, hey, at least we can “hunt, gather and forage” in climate controlled, self-checkout and pack-your-groceries-as-you-shop comfort, right?!
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PS: When discussing the shopping, I borrowed concepts heavily from the book: The Paleo Solution, by Robb Wolf. Totally good read - it's on his website.
